I sit here writing this, struggling with inner pain that is bursting to be set free. I have had an online blog off and on for the past 9 years or so but those are too easily connected to me that I censor what I write so that I don't cause pain to myself or others by connecting that pain and/or experiences to my day to day life. I have decided to start this blog as an anonymous way to get out my pain, hurt, struggles as I work through the emotional baggage of a pretty fucked up childhood, a painful divorce and the recent devastating loss of my 2nd husband and love of my life to cancer. All of the pain from those three life changing events have been carried in my heart and in my mind and I know without a doubt that it is time to let them go.
I want to grieve for my husband but can't do so until I work through all of the other shit that I have held inside. I have recently finished a 10 week support group for those who have lost a spouse through either death or divorce and just completed a weekend session with that same group that allowed me to open up to all of the pain that I have held inside for way too long. I realized during that weekend that this pain is too much for me to handle on my own so today I just completed my very first counseling session.
I am scared but at the same time I feel more free than I have ever felt in my life. It is as if I can feel the hope inside of me that I can finally release the pain that has held me prisoner as I repeated the pattern of self destruction through meaningless sex and overeating. I don't want to be fat and I don't want to numb myself through sex, I want to live, I want to feel free and happy and at peace and I know that in order to get there I am going to have to jump into the bottomless pit of pain that is my childhood and wade through it until I can get to the other side.
I don't know how this will effect my relationship with my parents or even my siblings but right now I need to focus on myself and my kids and that is about all that I can do. I hope that at the end of this journey I will find myself in a place where I can finally grieve for my husband and honor his memory in a way that I will feel good about. I hope that someday I will be in a place where I can meet someone new, someone who when they tell me they love me I will actually be able to feel it without the pain and despair that I now have of never feeling love, of never feeling worthy of love.
So this is why I am here.... not sure if anyone but me will read this but if they do I hope that my words and my pain will maybe bring healing to someone who also finds themself lost.. and if nothing else maybe they will just realize that things for them aren't as bad as they seem.