Guess what I did today? Absolutely nothing... I woke up with an empty feeling and although I did try to be productive I really didn't get shit done. Since J has been gone is as if the things that before his death would have been a minor irritation are now suddenly overwhelming, heartbreaking tragedies.
For example... B didn't get the part she wanted in the play.. really not a big deal.. but I woke up this morning sick to my stomach and I seriously wanted to smack the girl who did get the part after finding out that her facebook was bragging about getting the part and saying "F" you to those who didn't think she would get it. Honestly, these girls are teenagers... it is part of life and I know that B is going to be great in the play regardless of her part but that just points out my mental state. Why would I fall into crying, hopeless despair because she didn't get the part she wanted? This is not me... and yet for now it is me which makes me feel even worse.
J's kids (yes I have adult stepkids) are no longer talking to me and I don't know if I am sad about that or thankful for that. It is all just a confusing mess. I know that there are some things that I screwed up but I also know that they have taken advantage of me so I am angry and hurt and I have a hard time sorting out how I fell about them and this situation. A simple thing like having my stepson ignore a text which really shouldn't be a big deal... has me now over analyzing why he is not talking to me... and the more I think about it the sadder I am to the point where all I want to do is eat until I feel too numb to feel.
Tonight I just felt so sad and lonely, I watched movies with the kids but I just feel so empty inside. I miss J so much, the evenings were always so relaxing when he would come home from work and we would just talk or play cards or watch a movie, no matter what we did it didn't matter because it just felt good to be together. Even though I have a houseful of kids it just isn't the same... without him I just feel so empty and alone and although I know that eating until I feel sick isn't going to make me feel better, for a short time I can focus on something else, for a short time I don't have to feel.
Sometimes I can convince myself that eating a box of cookies or a huge plate of spaghetti is harmless...it's not like I am drinking and becoming a drunk... but in reality it is just as harmful because for that short time it feels like I have no control and being overweight is just as dangerous as being an alcoholic. I need to take control of this but I don't know how... well I know how... I can and have done it in the past but then something hits me to knock me off my path and once I start feeling that empty feeling I will do just about anything to make it go away.
So now I feel physically sick... I can't even bear to look at myself in the mirror... all of the things that I should have done today are still sitting there waiting to get done and I am just hoping that I won't wake up tomorrow and have a repeat of today.