Thursday, November 20, 2008


Guess what I did today? Absolutely nothing... I woke up with an empty feeling and although I did try to be productive I really didn't get shit done. Since J has been gone is as if the things that before his death would have been a minor irritation are now suddenly overwhelming, heartbreaking tragedies.

For example... B didn't get the part she wanted in the play.. really not a big deal.. but I woke up this morning sick to my stomach and I seriously wanted to smack the girl who did get the part after finding out that her facebook was bragging about getting the part and saying "F" you to those who didn't think she would get it. Honestly, these girls are teenagers... it is part of life and I know that B is going to be great in the play regardless of her part but that just points out my mental state. Why would I fall into crying, hopeless despair because she didn't get the part she wanted? This is not me... and yet for now it is me which makes me feel even worse.

J's kids (yes I have adult stepkids) are no longer talking to me and I don't know if I am sad about that or thankful for that. It is all just a confusing mess. I know that there are some things that I screwed up but I also know that they have taken advantage of me so I am angry and hurt and I have a hard time sorting out how I fell about them and this situation. A simple thing like having my stepson ignore a text which really shouldn't be a big deal... has me now over analyzing why he is not talking to me... and the more I think about it the sadder I am to the point where all I want to do is eat until I feel too numb to feel.

Tonight I just felt so sad and lonely, I watched movies with the kids but I just feel so empty inside. I miss J so much, the evenings were always so relaxing when he would come home from work and we would just talk or play cards or watch a movie, no matter what we did it didn't matter because it just felt good to be together. Even though I have a houseful of kids it just isn't the same... without him I just feel so empty and alone and although I know that eating until I feel sick isn't going to make me feel better, for a short time I can focus on something else, for a short time I don't have to feel.

Sometimes I can convince myself that eating a box of cookies or a huge plate of spaghetti is's not like I am drinking and becoming a drunk... but in reality it is just as harmful because for that short time it feels like I have no control and being overweight is just as dangerous as being an alcoholic. I need to take control of this but I don't know how... well I know how... I can and have done it in the past but then something hits me to knock me off my path and once I start feeling that empty feeling I will do just about anything to make it go away.

So now I feel physically sick... I can't even bear to look at myself in the mirror... all of the things that I should have done today are still sitting there waiting to get done and I am just hoping that I won't wake up tomorrow and have a repeat of today.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

The Seasonings of Life...

I spent the evening cleaning out the pantry & cupboards. Trying to figure out what I have as far as spices/seasonings so that I know what to buy for Thanksgiving. Since J did all the cooking he always bought that kind of stuff and so I had no idea what was up there. It was a bit hard to go through everything knowing that for quite a bit of it he was the last one to touch it.

I can still see him last Thanksgiving cooking like crazy. He would come home from work on Wednesday evening before Thanksgiving and start cooking pies and desserts. The only thing I was allowed to do was the cranberry sauce which had to be made before he came home from work and the stuffing which I prepared in the morning while he was prepping the turkey.. other than that he did everything else.

Often the kids and I would be cleaning the house getting ready for guests while he was cooking and about midnight I would be exhausted and ready for bed and he would still be in the kitchen cooking, a fresh pot of coffee was usually brewing when I finally crawled into bed, falling asleep to the sounds of him clanking around in the kitchen. I always felt guilty about going to bed but he would insist he didn't need help and he enjoyed the quiet of the house as he worked into the early morning hours often not getting any sleep at all. Sometimes he would crawl into bed next to me and hold me for about an hour or two until he was ready to get up again.... many times we would make love during that time...a few quiet moments when we could show our love and thankfulness for each other in the best way possible.

Thanksgiving morning I would often wake up to the sound of Christmas music playing in the kitchen a sign that lack of sleep was making J goofy cause he was often singing along very loudly and very off key, purposely changing the words to make the kids laugh. Often I would look over at my side table and find a hot cup of coffee and a love letter that he would have written to me during the night as he had downtime waiting for things to finish cooking.

I never took him for granted, how can you take for granted a man like that? But I do know that I never would have imagined that last Thanksgiving would have been his last. He wasn't even 50 when he passed away, his dad lived to be over 80 and I always figured he would be around even longer than that.

As I sort through the kitchen it is so obvious that what was once J's kitchen is now mine. I move the things I use the most within my reach and shift the seasonings that he knew what to do with but I find to be a mystery to top shelves where they will no doubt gather dust to be dealt with another day. His knives which he seemed to constantly be sharpening sit in the drawer with no use because I am too sad to use them, so I stick to the every day knives which are dull and useless.

I am nervous about Thanksgiving, I have never cooked a turkey in my life. I have made my menu and grocery list and will go shopping this weekend. I am so afraid I am going to screw everything up, I know it won't be the same so I am not trying to make it the same... I have found my own recipes for things... and I am hoping that the kids will understand that I am trying. I want them to still look forward to holidays, I want to celebrate this day of thanks in a way that would make J happy.

Although he is gone I have so much to be thankful for, my beautiful children, our warm and cozy home and the memories of a man who loved me more than I ever imagined I could be loved. He was kind and thoughtful and giving and I was extremely blessed to have been his wife.

Drama bits and pieces

My daughters both auditioned for the high school play. Cast list came out today... need I say more? It is so nerve wracking to see your child try so hard for something and have the long wait for them to be judged to find out if their hopes will be shattered into tiny bits and pieces.

That is the hardest part about being a mom. People can reject you and it doesn't hurt nearly as much as when your child feels rejected. B worked so hard to get the lead role, and she came up just a tad short, she has the 2nd lead, which is great... but not what she wanted. I know that there are plenty of girls who would love to have her part and would take it in a heartbeat... and I know she is going to shine no matter what role she has... but she has worked so hard these last 4 years and she is the only person who has made cast in every single production since her freshman year. It is a disappointment, not just that she didn't get the part but that the part went to a girl who is to put it nicely, a bit of a diva. She throws tantrums when she doesn't get her way, and really isn't very nice.

I know in the long run it doesn't matter what part B has because no matter what she does she always shines and steals the show whenever she is on stage, I just hate to see her confidence not be as strong because she really did give it everything she has and was pretty confident that she would get the lead. I have encouraged her to talk to her director, I have a feeling the parts were chosen mainly because the lead is traditionally a blonde and the girl who got the part is blonde, if that is the case then I hope B sees that it isn't her that is lacking... other than the fact that she is Hispanic and will never be blonde! lol

Anyway, I am very proud of her and can't wait to see her up on stage, it is even more exciting because D also made the cast in an ensemble part which is great considering it is her freshman year. With both girls in the show it will be very crazy around here but I am looking forward to it. It is hard to believe this will be B's last high school musical! Where in the world does the time go?

The Beginning of the End of too much Pain

I sit here writing this, struggling with inner pain that is bursting to be set free. I have had an online blog off and on for the past 9 years or so but those are too easily connected to me that I censor what I write so that I don't cause pain to myself or others by connecting that pain and/or experiences to my day to day life. I have decided to start this blog as an anonymous way to get out my pain, hurt, struggles as I work through the emotional baggage of a pretty fucked up childhood, a painful divorce and the recent devastating loss of my 2nd husband and love of my life to cancer. All of the pain from those three life changing events have been carried in my heart and in my mind and I know without a doubt that it is time to let them go.

I want to grieve for my husband but can't do so until I work through all of the other shit that I have held inside. I have recently finished a 10 week support group for those who have lost a spouse through either death or divorce and just completed a weekend session with that same group that allowed me to open up to all of the pain that I have held inside for way too long. I realized during that weekend that this pain is too much for me to handle on my own so today I just completed my very first counseling session.

I am scared but at the same time I feel more free than I have ever felt in my life. It is as if I can feel the hope inside of me that I can finally release the pain that has held me prisoner as I repeated the pattern of self destruction through meaningless sex and overeating. I don't want to be fat and I don't want to numb myself through sex, I want to live, I want to feel free and happy and at peace and I know that in order to get there I am going to have to jump into the bottomless pit of pain that is my childhood and wade through it until I can get to the other side.

I don't know how this will effect my relationship with my parents or even my siblings but right now I need to focus on myself and my kids and that is about all that I can do. I hope that at the end of this journey I will find myself in a place where I can finally grieve for my husband and honor his memory in a way that I will feel good about. I hope that someday I will be in a place where I can meet someone new, someone who when they tell me they love me I will actually be able to feel it without the pain and despair that I now have of never feeling love, of never feeling worthy of love.

So this is why I am here.... not sure if anyone but me will read this but if they do I hope that my words and my pain will maybe bring healing to someone who also finds themself lost.. and if nothing else maybe they will just realize that things for them aren't as bad as they seem.