Emptiness

Guess what I did today? Absolutely nothing... I woke up with an empty feeling and although I did try to be productive I really didn't get shit done. Since J has been gone is as if the things that before his death would have been a minor irritation are now suddenly overwhelming, heartbreaking tragedies.

For example... B didn't get the part she wanted in the play.. really not a big deal.. but I woke up this morning sick to my stomach and I seriously wanted to smack the girl who did get the part after finding out that her facebook was bragging about getting the part and saying "F" you to those who didn't think she would get it. Honestly, these girls are teenagers... it is part of life and I know that B is going to be great in the play regardless of her part but that just points out my mental state. Why would I fall into crying, hopeless despair because she didn't get the part she wanted? This is not me... and yet for now it is me which makes me feel even worse.

J's kids (yes I have adult stepkids) are no longer talking to me and I don't know if I am sad about that or thankful for that. It is all just a confusing mess. I know that there are some things that I screwed up but I also know that they have taken advantage of me so I am angry and hurt and I have a hard time sorting out how I fell about them and this situation. A simple thing like having my stepson ignore a text which really shouldn't be a big deal... has me now over analyzing why he is not talking to me... and the more I think about it the sadder I am to the point where all I want to do is eat until I feel too numb to feel.

Tonight I just felt so sad and lonely, I watched movies with the kids but I just feel so empty inside. I miss J so much, the evenings were always so relaxing when he would come home from work and we would just talk or play cards or watch a movie, no matter what we did it didn't matter because it just felt good to be together. Even though I have a houseful of kids it just isn't the same... without him I just feel so empty and alone and although I know that eating until I feel sick isn't going to make me feel better, for a short time I can focus on something else, for a short time I don't have to feel.

Sometimes I can convince myself that eating a box of cookies or a huge plate of spaghetti is harmless...it's not like I am drinking and becoming a drunk... but in reality it is just as harmful because for that short time it feels like I have no control and being overweight is just as dangerous as being an alcoholic. I need to take control of this but I don't know how... well I know how... I can and have done it in the past but then something hits me to knock me off my path and once I start feeling that empty feeling I will do just about anything to make it go away.

So now I feel physically sick... I can't even bear to look at myself in the mirror... all of the things that I should have done today are still sitting there waiting to get done and I am just hoping that I won't wake up tomorrow and have a repeat of today.

Drama bits and pieces

My daughters both auditioned for the high school play. Cast list came out today... need I say more? It is so nerve wracking to see your child try so hard for something and have the long wait for them to be judged to find out if their hopes will be shattered into tiny bits and pieces.

That is the hardest part about being a mom. People can reject you and it doesn't hurt nearly as much as when your child feels rejected. B worked so hard to get the lead role, and she came up just a tad short, she has the 2nd lead, which is great... but not what she wanted. I know that there are plenty of girls who would love to have her part and would take it in a heartbeat... and I know she is going to shine no matter what role she has... but she has worked so hard these last 4 years and she is the only person who has made cast in every single production since her freshman year. It is a disappointment, not just that she didn't get the part but that the part went to a girl who is to put it nicely, a bit of a diva. She throws tantrums when she doesn't get her way, and really isn't very nice.

I know in the long run it doesn't matter what part B has because no matter what she does she always shines and steals the show whenever she is on stage, I just hate to see her confidence not be as strong because she really did give it everything she has and was pretty confident that she would get the lead. I have encouraged her to talk to her director, I have a feeling the parts were chosen mainly because the lead is traditionally a blonde and the girl who got the part is blonde, if that is the case then I hope B sees that it isn't her that is lacking... other than the fact that she is Hispanic and will never be blonde! lol

Anyway, I am very proud of her and can't wait to see her up on stage, it is even more exciting because D also made the cast in an ensemble part which is great considering it is her freshman year. With both girls in the show it will be very crazy around here but I am looking forward to it. It is hard to believe this will be B's last high school musical! Where in the world does the time go?